When parents with children decide to separate, there is a lot to arrange. The first period after a separation brings many changes, and that can unsettle the children. Bird nesting (in the Netherlands often written as birdnesting, and also simply called nesting) can be a temporary solution in this situation. Bird nesting creates a safe haven for the children in their own home.
What is bird nesting?
In short, bird nesting means that the parents take turns living in the family home and caring for the children there. The parents ‘fly’ in and out of the nest and care for the children. It is a temporary arrangement until you and your ex-partner have found new homes.
Dutch law doesn’t regulate bird nesting, and there is no standard arrangement for it. The arrangement you make depends on your personal circumstances. You can, for example, agree to both remain in the house, where you take it in turns to care for the children. Alternatively, each parent agrees to leave for part of the week leaving sole care to the other parent. We recommend recording the agreements in a (temporary) parenting plan (ouderschapsplan), so there is no confusion about your agreement. In the Netherlands a parenting plan is required when married parents or registered partners with children divorce.
The pros and cons of bird nesting
In the first period after a separation, bird nesting gives children stability, because they can stay in their own familiar surroundings. They don’t have to travel back and forth between their parents’ houses carrying bags of toys, clothes or a sports kit. Handovers take place at home, which can save the children a lot of stress.
The children are cared for by both parents, and they can gradually get used to the idea that their parents live apart. They also see in action that their parents can both independently care for them. The children are also already used to an established routine. This can relieve anxiety about staying with a parent on their own once they have moved.
Bird nesting also gives parents time to arrange new living arrangements for the children. With an owner-occupied home, you need to establish whether one of you can take over the property or whether it must be sold. With a rented home, the question may be which of you meets the income requirements of the housing association or private landlord. It may be difficult for one or both parents to find new housing depending on the economy.
On the downside, bird nesting can be emotionally demanding, especially if the divorce cannot be easily settled on other fronts. For the sake of the children, the parents keep sharing a home after the relationship has ended, while ex-partners would normally put some distance between them.
Bird nesting also brings extra costs. Each parent usually temporarily needs somewhere else to stay. That could be with family or friends, or, if their budget allows, in rented accommodation, which means paying two sets of fixed costs. Finally, parents need practical agreements about cleaning, groceries and other household matters. This requires a real willingness to cooperate.
Can a Dutch court order bird nesting?
Bird nesting can be agreed as a temporary solution after a separation. At least one partner will eventually have to leave the home and find somewhere new to live. Given the current Dutch housing market, this can take some time.
A spouse can ask the court for exclusive use of the home during the divorce proceedings, to the exclusion of the other partner. If the court grants one partner exclusive use, the other parent may be unable to have the children stay with them until they find alternative accommodation. This is not in the children’s interests.
In practice, the court weighs the interests of the parents against the interests of the child. Although the court understands that bird nesting is not ideal for the parents, it will order this arrangement if this is in the children’s best interests.
A recent Rotterdam case is a clear example of this. In this case, the parents were not married. The father asked the court to order the mother to leave the home. The mother asked for the father to leave or, as an alternative, for bird nesting. The court chose bird nesting, because it saw a real risk that giving one parent exclusive use of the home would cause the child to lose contact with the other parent. The parents now take turns living in the home with the children, a week each, with handovers on Sunday evenings. The arrangement was ordered for the duration of one year.
There are also cases in which the court refuses bird nesting, for example when communication between the parents has broken down because of earlier incidents, including domestic violence. The outcome depends on the specific circumstances of the case.
What should you agree on?
As explained above, there is no standard arrangement. Clear agreements help prevent the arrangement from breaking down in practice.
Parents should aim for an agreement or full parenting plan, covering questions such as:
- On which days does the mother have the care of the children, and on which days the father?
- Who pays for groceries and fixed costs of the home?
- Who does the housework?
- How do the parents keep each other informed about the children’s development?
- How are decisions about the house made?
- Who is registered at the address in the Personal Records Database (BRP)?
- For how long will the arrangement last?
- When do handovers take place?
Careful forward planning will always benefit the arrangements, so don’t be afraid to discuss the details. This includes what happens if plans are delayed.
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For more information or questions about bird nesting or other issues regarding children and divorce, please contact us.
